| The Year Ama Walked Everywhere pt 1 |
[Dec. 18th, 2009|07:56 am] |
I've been going through my gmail and cleaning up the old emails, I have over 500 'unread' mostly made up of Facebook notifications and random solicites, and wanted to get rid of them. As I progressed further and further to the past months I started glancing through my old mails, sent and recieved, and seeing a storyline of jobhunting, boredom and more jobhunting.
That is a depressing start to an end of year retrospective.
If I could give this year a name, it's be a tough shot. I could go with 'The Year I Was a Bum' or 'The Year of many minimum wages jobs.' Or maybe 'The Year I learned how to survive without resorting to selling my body'.
But I've settled on 'The Year Ama Walked Everywhere'. Because it seems fitting. With the busstrike starting out the New Year it was inevitable, especially once I started a job a 30min walk away from home, which would've been a march even if the buses had been running. But I wasn't one to complain - a lover of winter the scenic route was more than fantastic, and at the time the job was nothing more than a way to keep myself busy - it didn't worry me that I was making less than I would've on EI, and expecting to start up my real job again soon after the winter season, I pretty much welcomed the Beavertails job as a simple way of getting out there and enjoying myself with strangers. And for what it was, it was perfect - I made some good friends, had some good talks and fun and it's probably the most memorable part of my year. But little did I know that it was the start of my downward spiral.
I guess if I could give a subtitle to my year, it would be 'Rise of the Bitterness'. I've changed a lot this year and I'll admit that it's probably not for the better. The last time I was unemployed I was still in a fairly new city, able to walk everywhere, and with friends in the same boat as me within walking distance. It was pretty much a vacation - I felt no really pressure to actually work and my time not spent chilling with my friends was spent doodling on the internet. This time it should've been just as, if not more, carefree. But instead it got more and more stressful - and the March start up turned into the late spring start up, which turned into the late summer start up, which turned into the 'not until the new year' haul. My EI dried up, and I went from lazy to desperate. I started doing some odd help for the Shoppe - then I grabbed a job at Tim Hortons which was so horrid I spent all of my free time afterwards still job hunting. And the worst of it is that the rest of my life went according to schedule - I'd budgeted out my time and life into getting my iPhone, getting my new dog, making my apartment nicer - and the job search didn't deliver. I have NO idea how I'd managed to survive the last few months - thank god for Stevens and thank god for Maya, which really helped me in this Christmas season.
But work wise this year has sucked. SUCKED. And I can only hope the 'big shows' and 'mass hiring' people keep talking about happening in the new year is actually going to happen. Because now I'm jaded that it's not, and not ever, going to happen. I will be working my minimum wage job, which granted doesn't completely suck, forever and never be able to work or move up in the career I always wanted.
And the worst bit is that I will forever be aware that it's my fault. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2009|02:54 pm] |
I need to get a hold of life again. I've contacted both studios I hope to get work with and haven't heard back from either of them yet and I'm starting to fall back into 'I'll never work in this business again' funk. It's fucking unsettling. And, of course, the fact that I feel like I'm doing more housework, more work work and am just more busy with less free time on my hands hurts. Today I slept in until 10 - a factor probable due to both getting woken up by the weather and the fact that I just tend to sleep in when there is more weather. I just lazed today and I feel damn guilty about it.
What am I supposed to be doing? |
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